June: Courageous Conversations

June: Courageous Conversations

My life as a whole has been great, I don’t regret a lot. I wouldn’t change anything even this…There is no delicate way to slide into it, any ‘pc’ words I come up with will be a disservice to other survivors so let’s call it what it was.

I was raped. I was abused close to 4 years.

My healing was a process was over 11 long years, and most of the time it wasn’t pretty. I would try to heal through many avenues finally ‘free’ I went wild trying to find love and attention. My mind would block out a lot of memories, then smells would trigger physical flashbacks. It was like I was feeling it all over again, like I was there.

So Fear moved in, and I made up its bed. I would dine with fear and take walks with fear. Fear kept me awake for years. I would survive on 2-3 hours sleep a night. Fear ruled my life and I was so exhausted, that I let it. I felt fear in my bone marrow, like it was coursing through my veins. I never did anything until I consulted fear and had it decide my next move.

I would sleep with knives hidden all over the house and memorise how many steps it took to the door in the dark. I would make a point to wake up during the night to turn lights on and off so from the outside it seemed like someone was moving about, checking doors and windows constantly.

The Holy Spirit has been my therapist, to heal all parts of me. I went to the doctors but just wasn’t able to open up. There is NO WAY I could have done it without Holy Spirit’s guidance, protection and promptings. I’m telling you though, FORGIVE was a word I said for many, many years, daily as things I had blocked out Holy Spirit was slowly revealing them to me. I believe that if I had remembered everything at once I would have ended it there and then. I still have blocked a lot out but I am at peace that if needed those memories will be revealed.

Forgiveness wasn’t an easy thing for me. Legally I had to do certain things- court ordered according to my abuser ‘parental rights’. My heart would break and every fibre in my body would fight against it. “This isn’t fair God!” was my cry for many years. I kept telling God ‘BUT you don’t know what he did, but you don’t know that he punched a child out of my womb, you don’t know he kicked, punched slapped me. You don’t get that he held knives to me, threatened my family’s lives, kidnapped me and held me for days… Then I heard Pastor Fiona speak about forgiveness. Right there and then I fully forgave him, it wasn’t anything emotional it was short and I meant it and I felt my blood clear, my mind ‘un-fogged’ and I literally felt weights fall off me.

I was promised a victory and went through court  in 2015 and he was finally put in jail 2016 with a 13 year sentence. Not once throughout the whole trial did I lose my mind like I thought I would. What’s more when I went into that trial I had already forgiven my abuser. So I stepped into my victory from the get go even before the sentence was handed down.

Sometimes I just need to zone out, the flashbacks try their best to creep back in, but I know that I know that I know that God has my back, that  He is for me and Not Against me that He only plans good for me so that my future is bright and hopeful. Some people can read those scriptures and it’s a nice thought, some can believe it right away but some like me have to go through the worst to really get it.

Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

You are the people of God; he loved you and chose you for his own. So then, you must clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with one another and forgive one another whenever any of you has a complaint against someone else. You must forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you. (Colossians 3:12-13)

We are commanded to love and forgive. It isn’t a condition depending on how we feel or a clause of ‘but’. I know it’s hard but no matter what anyone has done big or small ask The Holy Spirit for the grace to FORGIVE and straight up you will see an indelible change in your life and hopefully people will catch the overflow. 

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